I didn't realise I had it last time. I acknowledged my emotions over breast feeding, but nothing else. Not the desire to keep on driving to a hotel in New Hampshire or Florida when going out for diapers. Not the urge to step in front of a truck when we stopped at a gas station to calm a screaming baby. I couldn't conceive of getting anything done, everything seemed overwhelming. I resented my new born son at the same time as loving him whole heartedly. The guilt of this contradiction meant I couldn't leave him or put him down for fear of being relieved at not being responsible for him for a second. But we didn't talk about it.
What a difference this time. From the second my son was born, I had no guilt and no worries. After two attempts at breastfeeding I started to feel anxious again so we switched to formula. It stopped. We are now into week 6 of maternity leave, I have 6 more weeks left. Last time I would have had two left, I can't imagine going back in two weeks now. I love spending time with Charlie and because I have no guilt this time, I am able to put him down while I fold laundry, put him in a swing while I take a few minutes to scrapbook. I can leave the house with or without him and be perfectly comfortable. I can get six loads of laundry done in a day or do nothing but sit in my PJs cooing at my baby, and I love it.
I love my three boys so much, and I am reveling in my maternity leave.