Pining away the wee small hours

In the months before Toby was born Husby had insomnia, he thinks it was his body's way of preparing him for having a restless newborn in the house.

I like that explanation but it does little to help explain my current insomnia. I know a lot of it has to do with worrying about things over which I have no control and I am working on that. But on the other end of the spectrum is my growing desire for another baby. Toby will be two this year so I suppose it was inevitable I would start pining for a baby again. The recent onslaught of temper tantrums that are eerily reminiscent of a newborn babe have done little to reduce this longing. Maybe I've been reading Soule Mama too much recently and seeing too many pictures of her growing belly and baby crafts has prematurely kick started my hormones.

I know that the second child will be a rollercoaster and that the mere fact of having two will bring in new twists and turns but I feel better prepared this time, like wanting a baby is more about my need to mother my family than my need to have a cute little thing to cuddle.

I am more aware of my own limitations and expectations than I was pre-Toby. I am certainly not calmer but I am more aware of those things that rile me and those things that soothe me. I am more conscious of what I can live without (folded laundry) and what I cannot live without (a tidy - if not clean - kitchen table). I am coming to the realisation that those things that I dream of - an extension to the house with a fourth bedroom for guests - chickens - to stay at home with my children - are part of my aspirations and shouldn't dictate how I feel about my here and now.

As Pastor Travis pointed out on Sunday I shouldn't let anything rob me of my joy. When I was pregnant with Toby I didn't worry about the weight I was putting on or where the money was coming from. I ate the Snickers bar because I was hungry and I bought the carpet because I wanted the nursery to be carpeted. So while I will remain responsible and conscious of my health and financial goals, I will not worry when life throws me a slice of pizza ($5 hot n ready). Because worry, even worry disguised as dreams, will rob me of my joy in the everyday.

I slept well last night. I slept deeply last night. I hope to sleep well and deeply tonight.

With my baby in the next room, sleep soothing away his evening of tantrums, with a pile of unfolded laundry at the foot of the bed and unclean laundry on the floor, with a cleaned off kitchen table waiting for the next days food and crafts, with a Husband by my side who calmly sits through my tantrums and hugs me on the other side of them.

So with the next baby I won't expect birth announcements to be sent, I won't expect the scrapbook to be up to date or even started, I won't expect a daily shower or three hours sleep in one sitting, I won't expect more than Mac n cheese for dinner surrounded by last week's dishes, I won't expect to have her (tee hee) sleep in the crib during week one. I will instead live and breathe and move onto the next thing - full of JOY!